About Me

First off, let me tell you a little about me. I want to give you an understanding of who I am and what brought me to where I am now.  Living with peace within myself.  I am a single mom of four girls. I was married for 16 years and in a very controlling, bad situation. During that time I was a lost soul.  I was depressed and afraid most of the time. But with help from God, undying faith, and the need for something more, I turned that all around. Today I am happy and living in the realization that everything ALWAYS turns out ok. That’s the “me” of today.

However, for many years I lived in worry, regret, and fear. Wondering why, if I tried my best and gave everything I had why did things always turn out bad. Was I a bad person? Was there something about me in my core that pulled these bad things to me? Was there some black mark on me that I was just destined for a bad life? It was not a good feeling and it hurt my spirit greatly. I needed to feel like I was here for a reason. I wanted something more. So I went on a journey, a journey to find myself.  I took a long hard look at my life and myself. I started writing a journal. It helped me to figure things out when I could see them in black and white. I could evaluate my feelings when I put them on paper.  I read books on self- help and spiritual healing.  I took control of me. Instead of waiting for someone to rescue me, I rescued myself, with God guiding me.  It was a slow process, a lot of things to work through, but one thing I found out is, I was worth it.

  I am not writing this for pity, I am writing this to show it can be done.  There is no reason to stay in a situation that is not a healthy one.  There is no reason to allow negative people to control your life.  I used to think why did God let me be in this situation.  Did he abandon me?  Was I not worth fighting for?  But in reality, when I thought about it, I knew, God didn’t want me in a bad situation either and he was sad that I was in it.  One thing God gave us is a will of our own.  It was my choice to be in that situation, and it had to be my choice to get out of it.  I couldn’t blame anyone but me.  I had to be the one to put the action into force.  I had to be the one to make things happen.  If I stayed in a bad place, I only had myself to blame.  That is when I started connecting to my inner self.  Seeing things for what they really were and it was the beginning of a huge realization.  I started seeing what life was really about. 

Along with my writings and reading I was healing. I was finding peace within. Most of the time when someone is lost its because they are looking at the pieces of living, not the whole puzzle of life.  Which brings me to my next point of my inner evolution.  Understanding why I’m here.  I’m here to learn and grow spiritually.  What does that mean to me? It means everything.  It’s the whole basis of living. It is the whole reason for being born.  It gives meaning to life. I believe that before we are born we chose what lessons we wanted to learn.  We went through the course book of life and chose the classes we felt we needed to learn for our spirit to grow.  For example, humility, understanding, compassion. If you think about it, how can we feel any of those if we don’t understand them or lived them?  It’s like trying to explain rain to someone who has never felt it.  After all how do you explain, “wet”.  You have to feel the rain to understand the concept of rain.

So we pick and choose our lessons, and sometimes we take on too many, not knowing how hard the courses will be.  Once we are alive and dealing with the courses we chose, we get overwhelmed and lost.  Not realizing, we are the ones that chose the lessons in the first place. We end up asking God why he is making us suffer.  And the one thing about the courses we chose, the same lesson keeps coming and slapping us in the face until we actually “learn” from it. For example, having the same bad relationships over and over.  It’s like taking the same test over and over again until we get a passing grade. But that’s why we are here, to learn, to feel, and to comprehend.  And with that comes knowledge and spiritual growth.  Along with the learning comes struggle and pain though.  That’s just part of living.  But doesn’t it make the struggle and pain easier to take when you know it’s for a reason? 

To understand that there is something bigger, something more.  I know it gives me strength to know that no matter what, things will be ok.  Because this life is not the “true” life.  This life is just our college.  That one-day we will go back home and take all our experiences with us.  We have grown spiritually.  We have felt pain from ourselves and understand it from others. We have moved up a level in our real home.  Have you ever met someone that had a quiet calmness, a serenity and wisdom in them?  It’s because they understand what life is about and they are connected to their inner-selves. They have peace within. So that is how I found myself, through struggle and pain.  I wouldn’t change any of the bad things that happened to me, it made me who I am today.  It brought me closer to God and understanding life, appreciating life along with a faith that keeps hope in my heart. I do admit although, that I still get caught up in the pieces of life. Forgetting about the whole puzzle. Struggling to raise my girls and worrying about bills. That’s the imperfection of being human.  But I do enjoy the clear moments of understanding what life is really about. I bask in the warm feeling and peace that comes over me in my moments of clarity. And I know that when I am caught in the raging waters of life, I don’t have to drown.  I can crawl out, climb a bridge and watch the angry waters flow beneath and appreciate that I’m not fighting the waves.  I am safe, and I am taken care of